My greatest handicap: Fear

Image: C Bryan Lavigne

I am beginning to be faced with a harsh reality, one which I have denied about myself because it is safe:

I am a coward.

I am terrified of leadership. This has been the sole reason why I have not done anything risky in my life:
Ambition for a decent career (I have just crawled through jobs avoiding responsibility, avoiding anything that requires me to lead other people; fearing failure and termination, which would leave me without income);
pursued a deep relationship with anyone (Accountability for my sin? Exposing the darkest areas of my life, including my crippling fear? Too SCARY);
gone to the mission field (I'm so messed up and ineloquent, how can I be considered competent or qualified to minister to anyone else? I'm afraid of leading someone the wrong way by showing or teaching them something I don't understand myself. There's also the issue of trusting God to provide the financial support, and the fear of asking people for help);
finished school (I've never been able to afford it, and now I'm deep in credit card debt—if I am forced to work less, I will default on my obligations, and, in the words of my dad, become a bum); among other things.

Obviously, the thoughts I have had (parenthesized above) are not how I should be thinking. They are defeatist and destructive, even if I understand why I think them.

I know that there are verses in the Bible that address the fears of men. For example, 2 Timothy 1:7 (NASB) is pretty direct: "For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline." I have read some of these verses, and I understand them on the brain level...but applying them in my deep heart and soul is another matter. My cowardice keeps me from moving forward to overcome my cowardice! It's a pitiful existence, that I am so gripped with fear that I skulk around on my belly, believing these lies and avoiding risk, while hypocritically putting on a face that says, "I am not ashamed of the gospel. I am brave enough to talk to anyone about God, and I have confidence in my ability to lead."

I know that I need to just step out and do something risky (though not stupid—just risky), and that once I do, I will be rewarded with confidence to do other risky things. Failure should not be an excuse to stay home and hide under my bed; it should be a motivator to get out there keep trying.

What I desperately need is a mature male figure to come alongside of me in a mentoring capacity. There are many things that I just plain do not know, and modes of behavior in which I have never known how to act. I need someone to teach me how to do what my own father never taught me. I need someone to whom I can be accountable for my sin. I need to learn how to be a real man, who can step up to responsibility without cowering away in terror, who can act knowing that I might fail, but that failure allows me to grow. I need someone who can show me how to walk as Jesus walked.

I cannot do it on my own. I have tried that life, and it has failed me. Jesus, lift me up.