"Desperate Housewives", according to me

[DISCLAIMER: I have never watched an episode of "Desperate Housewives", or even a portion thereof. The descriptions I give for this television show are based solely upon my own impressions of what little I've heard or read about it. Names of actors and characters that I didn't know, I just made up.]

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, Sundays, 9pm, ABC

Teri Hatcher................Karen Essuvee
Eva Longoria................Michelle Spinachdip
Lillian Gish................Sharon Blondelady
LaFawnduh Lucas-Dynamite....Karen Soccerpractice
Brad Pitt (or Jamie Foxx)...UPS Man, Gardener, etc.
David Arquette..............Nameless Insensitive Husband #1
Peter Weller................Nameless Insensitive Husband #2
Judge Reinhold..............Nameless Insensitive Husband #3
Garry Trudeau...............Nameless Insensitive Husband #4
John Ratzenberger...........Cliff Claven

Synopsis: Four suburban housewives get together during the day to exchange recipes for cakes and casseroles, talk about how their kids are doing in school, and drink lots and lots of iced tea.

Well, that's how it might be if Hollywood wasn't involved, because Hollywood finds that kind of stuff BORING. This is more likely a suburban cross between "Sex and the City" and, I don't know, pro wrestling, with four back-biting, far-too-skinny women strutting around trying to compete for who's prettiest, while at the same time agreeing on how bad their husbands are in every conceivable aspect.

Oh yeah, I just remembered that Felicity Huffman might be in the cast. She was great as a fast-talking producer on "Sports Night", wasn't she? I wonder what she's like on here.

So anyway, since these housewives are all feeling trapped in their loveless marriages - they're Desperate, remember? - they're out looking for "opportunities" in other men, like delivery guys (as if a random UPS guy is going to be more sensitive to a woman's needs than the man she married). The husbands are all like, "What's with all of these Amazon boxes? You've never been a reader." Meanwhile, the kids are all, "Why do we have to go to soccer practice every day? We're not even on teams, and soccer sucks!" but they still get shuffled to and from the fields. If ABC was smart, they'd just have the kids plopped down in front of Disney movies the whole time, get a little cross-promo going.

I've officially run out of things to say about this show I haven't watched, so be sure to tune in every Sunday night for another example of how you, the average actual person, are not living!