"Sir, why is your laptop bag ticking?"**

Nicole and I are flying to Portland on Saturday morning, and we want to make sure that we aren't bringing anything on board that we aren't supposed to. This would be in contrast to my one-way flight to Carthage six months ago—September 11, no less—where I unknowingly left my Leatherman pocket knife at the bottom of my laptop bag. (I then had to mail it to myself from the airport.) So I decided to go to the Transportation Security Administration website to get the latest information on allowed and banned items.

I found out that yes, we can now carry liquids, gels and/or aerosols on board with us, if they're in 3-ounce or smaller bottles and all packed together in a quart-size Ziploc bag, blah blah blah, because we're just going to check it all anyway.

I also found out that officially, according to an actual chart on the web page, that—who knew?— the following items are not allowed on board, even in a checked bag:

• Blasting Caps—Are those like Pop Rocks?
• Dynamite—But they'll allow Vegemite and Marmite???
• Fireworks—If it was July 4th I'd be more upset
• Flares (in any form)—Flair, however, is highly encouraged
• Hand Grenades—Aww, shucks, there goes my fun Easter egg idea
• Plastic Explosives—I prefer real bacon
• Realistic Replicas of Explosives—What about pictures of replicas?
• Chlorine for Pools and Spas—The plane doesn't have a pool? Darn
• Compressed Gas Cylinders—Cones and spheres are perfectly fine
• Liquid Bleach—So much for doing laundry on board
• Spillable Batteries—Shaped like a Kool-Aid pitcher???
• Tear Gas—"But the guy won't get outta the lavatory!"

**Note to any government agencies monitoring this blog: The above post is meant as a parody, or a spoof, I forget which is the correct word, but it's all in fun, we plan on fully complying with all TSA regulations, we love the United States government, God bless America, and good night.