Here we go a-what-what?

Well, it’s the Christmas season again, and that, of course, means traditional Christmas songs that nobody knows what the lyrics’ mean. The other day, Nicole and I were discussing one particular tune, “Here We Go A-Wassailing,” while in the car, and we came to the realization that neither of us knows what exactly wassailing is. And, because we didn’t want to go to the effort of Googling it on our phones’ Internet, we thought it would be more fun to remain ignorant, instead simply making up what we thought wassailing could be. It’s become a running joke between us.

Now, while I can’t remember what we’ve already speculated was wassailing, I thought it might be fun to come up with some new ideas for what it could be. My ideas so far: “Here we go a-...”

1. Sneezing without a tissue
   
2. Doing donuts (or cookies) in the Wal-Mart parking lot
   
3. Washing the car in the dark
   
4. Shopping for shoe bargains at the factory outlet store
   
5. Walking barefoot over stray Legos in the carpet
   
6. Tossing nickels into a movie theater audience
   
7. Alphabetizing jelly beans by flavor name
   
8. Skipping to my Lou
   
9. Flossing
   
10. Eating a hot dog the slowest possible way – by licking it
    
11. Blogging about crazy Dr Pepper flavors
    
12. Watching every episode of “Law & Order” and its spinoffs
    
13. Eating a big pile of wassail fries
    
14. Lathering, rinsing, repeating
    
15. Sittin' on the dock of the bay
    
16. Fistfighting mimes, in mime
    
17. Putting stuff on cats, then photographing them
    
18. Reading informative brochures at the dentist's office
    
19. Rearranging the letters on store marquees
    
20. Talking like a pirate Santa Claus, YO-HO-HO-HO!
    
21. Hanging out at truck stops at 3 in the morning
    
22. Rooting for the away team at the football game

Have I mentioned how much I hate it when people tailgate?

Taken through the rear-view mirror

Flavor question

Whatever happened to butterscotch? I never see it on food products anymore.

Maybe it was overtaken by Madagascan vanilla.

For those of you whose commute traffic moves at a snail's pace

And no, it's not just so I can get some new counties out of it

Looks like Nicole and I are going two-for-two on visiting Texas during Thanksgiving weekend. Last year it was Houston and Galveston. This year: Dallas. She and I haven't really had any kind of official wedding anniversary getaway weekend like we'd hoped—I mean, yeah, we were down in southern Arkansas during that weekend, but that was to celebrate her grandmother's 90th birthday (the date of which was actually a couple of weeks before that, but the family had to postpone the gathering because of a certain, ahem, Portland trip). So we thought, what the heck, we have the long weekend off anyway, so why not make this our anniversary trip?

Source: Wikimedia Commons

We're actually going to make a big loop out of our journey. We'll have Thanksgiving dinner down in Durant, Oklahoma with Nicole's dad's side of the family, then drive right down to Dallas that night (hopefully the turkey won't make us sleepy behind the wheel). On Saturday, we're going to drive north on I-35 to Oklahoma City, stopping to look at some spectacular waterfalls in the Davis Mountains.

Should be a good trip.

At least he was safe when he ran backwards

No joke, there's a documentary on the Sundance Channel right now, entitled:

Combover: The Movie

A few years ago, I had a balding co-worker who had a very meticulous combover. The only problem with it is that when he walked, it would flip up and down with every step, betraying his baldness. I likened it to a NASCAR roof flap, which slows a stock car down when it's spinning around. I don't remember if he ever knew that's why we nicknamed him NASCAR, but I do remember that he eventually just buzzed his head, and it looked much, much better.

Are you listening, Trump?

My little duplicitous noun determiner problem

I have a double standard with the use of, or the lack of use of, noun determiners. (A, the, that, etc.) Sometimes a particular grammar rule is okay with me, but sometimes the same rule in another usage will irritate me.

Cases in point:

It has always bugged me when someone is going to take a break, or someone is already on a break, and it is referred to as going “on break”. I’ve always said, “I’m going on a break,” or, “So-and-so is on a break.”

I don’t have a problem with the word vacation in the same exact context. People go “on vacation” all the time, just as often as they go “on a vacation”.

Speaking of work, I would rather hear, “I am going to work,” rather than, “I’m going to my work.” In the former, work is a verb; but in the latter, it’s used as a noun, when the correct (in my mind) way to say that sentence would be, “I’m going to my workplace.”

In England, they say “on holiday”. They also say that someone is “in hospital” rather than “in the hospital”. But hey, they’re Brits. They always get a pass. Happy Christmas.

Maybe it's because of that animated movie

For almost all of my life, everything I have ever seen that's vanilla flavored has been flavored with plain ol' vanilla, whether it's real or not. Or French Vanilla, which still sounds pretty unordinary, certainly not very exotic.

Nowadays, it seems like everything's flavored with Madagascar vanilla. As in, exotic, large island off the coast of eastern Africa Madagascar. Does this make it taste any different? Is it considered more fancy because the vanilla comes from halfway around the world?

It's so wimpy, even the bridges are bent out of shape

So I just read Samuel John Klein Portlandienesineisnsiineisss's blog post about funny named roads in Oregon, and the first thing I saw was a sign blade for NW Wimp Rd. outside of Redmond. I decided that I'd take a quick look on Google Maps to find this place, and sure enough, I found it (and now I realize that his blog text had linked right to the same map). However, when I clicked on the satellite view, I noticed something very interesting: The nearby bridges are a victim of poor image stitching, and therefore look like they've melted or outright lost some sections:

View Larger Map
(In case Google's fixed it, here's the original screenshot)

The small gray loop at bottom center is NW Wimp Rd., and the green area between the railroad tracks and the highway is part of Peter Skene Ogden State Park.

I just did a quick search on Peter Skene Ogden, and he doesn't really seem to be much of a wimpy man....

Top Seven Changes in Portland Since Our Spring 2007 Visit

As you know, Nicole and I went up to Portland a few weeks ago for a wedding, and we stayed a couple of extra days in order to see family and friends, and take care of some business. One thing about being born and raised somewhere, then moving away, then revisiting that place, is that the changes to that particular place can be quite noticeable. Over those few days, here are the top seven things I noticed different about my city than they were when we were last there:

7. GI Joe's Shortens Name to "Joe's"


I know that they'd been unofficially calling themselves Joe's for years - "Go to Joe's, Grab the Gear, Seize the Weekend" was a longtime slogan - but there's still just something intangibly off about them actually making an official change. Perhaps it's the traditionalist in me.

This also, of course, casts a fear in me that someday, Fred Meyer will officially change its name to Freddy's....

6. Lucky Lab Beer Hall Opens in NW Portland


The things I love the most about The Lucky Labrador Brewpub is that they have dartboards, and they are smoke-free. As far as environment (ambience and charm, that is) goes, Biddy McGraw's and The Horse Brass Pub have the Lab beat hands down, but when you want to invite friends out for a night of darts, I'd rather have them all meet at a place where tobacco smoke won't ruin anyone's evening.

And now, they've opened up a new location near Nob Hill (which is in NW Portland for those who don't know), which was quite sparsely populated on the Friday night we visited, but it didn't matter. I didn't venture to see the darts are there, but I did sample their special brew whose name I have already forgotten, but has a Simpsons' Mayor Quimby theme to it.

5. Burgerville Now Sells Hot Dogs


Granted, it's for a limited time (through November), but it's something I'd never seen before at that particular chain. It reminded me of when I was a kid 25+ years ago, when the Rockwood Burger King actually sold hot dogs. Burgerville splits the franks the long way and grills them, then melts Tillamook cheddar cheese over the top. So delicious! Actually, the Dairy Queen on SE Division St. and 56th Ave.(across from Franklin HS) used to cook them this way, too, though I think they switched over to boring ol' boiling later on.

4. IKEA!


No longer does a Portlander have to drive all the way up to Renton to spend the better part of their day wandering in awe through the massive warehouse maze of IKEA...

I think that when we were there last spring, the big sign had already been erected, but the store hadn't opened.

I still laugh at the idea of someone shopping for a bed or a closet system at IKEA and then trying to lug it home on MAX...

3. All Skipper's Restaurants Shut Down

(I couldn't find an image for Skipper's, and it wasn't for lack of trying. Who knew it'd be so hard to find one?)

I'm sure that not too many people care about this as much as I do, especially given the waning interest in the chain over the last decade. But I have many fond memories of going with my family to Skipper's on all-you-can-eat Tuesdays, taking that little plastic basket up for more skin-on fries or delicious cod. I loved their tartar sauce...my mouth waters at the very thought of it. I enjoyed reading the old 19th-century newspaper ads printed on the table tops (same as Wendy's used to do). And who else remembers the slogan, "If the fish is any fresher, it's still swimming in the sea."

I marked their demise on the day I drove by the San Rafael store and happened to notice a banner proclaiming that Skipper's began selling cheeseburgers. Cheeseburgers.

2. I-205 Light Rail


I was one of the first passengers on the original MAX line that ran from downtown Portland deep into Gresham, over Labor Day weekend in 1986. It was a nice little punctuation mark to end the summer before my first day of high school the next day. Years later, I first rode the westside MAX extension on none other than January 1, 2000 - when nobody was 100% certain if Y2K threats were going to become reality (they obviously didn't). I never rode either the Airport MAX or The Expo Center spur, but I did take the Portland Streetcar downtown a lot when I worked along its route. Notice I don't identify these by their color-coded line names. I never liked that idea, so why acknowledge it?

So now, only 25 years* after I-205 opened with its mysterious "lanes" and "exits" graded along its outer edges (am I alone here? Did anyone else ever wonder when they were going to finish those?) and the unused tunnel just north of Division St., Tri-Met has begun to construct a light rail spur that goes from Gateway down to Clackamas Town Center. Say what you will about outrageous costs, or what have you, but the only word that comes to my mind is, "Yay!" because that's my favorite quadrant of my hometown - Southeast! Plus, my sister will have a MAX stop so much closer to her house, which will help her out a lot.

1. Neighborhood Wireless Intermetts in Portland


They talked about it for years, and now, they've done it. Provided by MetroFi, I was able to enjoy wireless Internet at the home we stayed in during our trip (in St. Johns). We never had to wonder where a hotspot would be if we decided to go somewhere to surf - just go anywhere!




*According to kurumi.com, the portion of I-205 south of I-84 was finished in 1975, and the northern portion opened in December of 1983. However, The Columbian apparently did a retrospective article which says that it opened in 1982. I was starting the 5th grade when the Glenn Jackson Bridge opened (I remember, it was big news), so that confirms it (to me, anyway) as opening in the fall of '82.

The customers are getting really friendly these days

I have to answer the phone occasionally at my job, so naturally, when the phone rings (and it literally rings—they've generously supplied me with a clunky, square 1980's-style phone, the kind that has an actual bell inside), I assume it's a customer on the other end.

So this morning, I answered the phone, and the woman on the other end said, "Well, don't you just sound so cute on the phone?" I instantly got nervous, thinking, who in the world would say that on a business call???

Fortunately, it was Nicole.

A little bit of birthday math

On Friday, November 16, my dad will celebrate his 70th birthday.

The next day, the 17th, is my birthday. I'll be 35.

This means that on Sunday, I will be exactly half his age.

The bronze medal ain't bad, considering the competition

I don't know what's scarier: That this blog comes up on a Google search for

"spaghetti and meatballs" cough "dean martin"

or that it's number 3 on the list.

Update: Of course, now that I've actually blogged about this, now it's ranked nos. 1 and 2 in the search results. I shoulda known.

Apparently, people who buy cigarettes don't know the difference between three packs and four packs

"Marlboro, Camel, Newport and Liggitt. Yup, looks like three packs to me."

What happens when two songs get stuck in your head at the same time?

And what if they're similar sounding?

Song #1: "I'm Henry VIII, I Am"

I'm Henry the Eighth, I am!
Henry the Eighth I am! I am!
I got married to the widow next door,
She's been married seven times before.

Every one was an Henry
She wouldn't have a Willie or a Sam (NO SAM!)
I'm her eighth old man named Henry
Henry the Eighth I am.

Song #2: "I've Been Working on the Railroad"

I've been working on the railroad
All the livelong day
I've been working on the railroad
Just to pass the time away

Can't you hear the whistle blowing
Rise up so early in the morn
Can't you hear the captain shouting
Dinah, blow your horn...

Awesome stop-motion animation

Are you watching this, Foolish Knight and crew? This should be your next video project..

(there was an embedded video here, but it won't display for some reason)

The video: tony vs paul (tetriscide)

Video games TEACH U 2 PLAY, but obviously don't teach U 2 spell

I Can Play Guitar system

The perfect snack before your daily workout

Continuing the never-ending parade of ridiculous products...

That's right, America. It's a bag of fatty, greasy potato chips, loaded with taurine, caffeine and vitamins.

And what is Phoenix Fury, anyway? Sounds to me like a third-rate sports franchise.

Well, it's started...

That's right, white hairs on my chin. Oddly, they all seemed to show up on the same day.

This should make unhappily married Catholics feel better

For those of you who don't get the post title: Annulment in the Catholic Church

He just wanted to make sure I remembered to wash my hands

Right before we left work on Friday, I really had to use the bathroom. We were right next to the "executive" wing of the building, so I stepped into the men's room.

This is what hangs on the walls:

Seriously? A stuffed boar? And you know what? I'm 6'2", and my head actually brushed against its bottom lip. Ewwww...

Sometimes, you have to just switch the brain back on

We stopped by Sonic tonight to get a small vanilla malt for Nicole's dad.

A small vanilla malt.

The guy at the window says, with a straight face, "You need any ketchup with that?"

Who wants faun ears? I do! I do!

It's like I've been saving these blog posts up, isn't it?

So there's this plastic surgery center in LA, I think, where they claim to be able to use plastic surgery to turn one's ears into a point. Personally, I think the before and after photos are fakes, because there are too many similarities, like strands of hair in the same places. They probably took a photo, had the person change shirts, applied a rubber Spock ear, and took the second photo.

But can you imagine actually doing this?

I'd be surprised if Jim hasn't already blogged about this one

It's yet another ridiculous USB-powered accessory.

Seriously, Jim, if you want this one, you got it.

USB Warmer Cushion

They have to hand out maps at the family reunions

So I ran across this true family situation recently, and I found it to be quite interesting. You, however, may think it's boring. Whatever.

(Of course, I changed the names.)

In 1987, when Bob was 24, he married Sally, who was 33. Sally had been married before, and came into the marriage with a son, Seth, who was already 16 at the time of the marriage. So, Bob was only eight years older than his new stepson.

Two years later, Bob and Sally became parents to a daughter, Jennifer. That same month, her half-brother Seth, at 18, also fathered a daughter, named Lucy. So, Jennifer and Lucy, only one month apart in age, were technically a full generation different.

Then, 15 years later, Bob and Sally got a divorce. In 2005, Bob married Heather, who is only three years younger than him. However, that means that Heather is also only five years older than Bob’s ex-stepson.

This April, when Bob turned 44 and Heather 41, they became parents to Corey. Three weeks later, Seth (Corey's ex-half-stepbrother), now 36, announced that his daughter Lucy, now 18, gave birth to a daughter, Miranda.

Think about this. Corey and Miranda, less than a month difference in age, are actually two full generations apart!!

This is the last day. I hope.

A couple of years ago, I decided to quit drinking soda. I made a big deal on the blog about it, too, remember that? Going soda-free lasted for about 15-16 months. Then one summer evening I compromised at a movie theater, making the decision to drink a Diet Coke with my popcorn. After that one compromise, of course, the second compromise was easier. And the third was easier still. By the time I’d moved to Carthage, I was a regular soda drinker again. I did not make a big deal on the blog about that. In fact, I didn’t say anything at all.

 

Well, today I decided that enough was enough. These days, when Nicole and I go down to the cafeteria to get breakfast, I’ll fill up my 32-ounce cup with Diet Pepsi, and take two extra 20-ounce bottles of soda (usually Diet Mountain Dew) with me for later refills. And at lunch, I’ll get another soda still. Then after work I’ll drink more – my poison’s been Diet Sunkist these days. See my problem? It’s become an addiction, even though there’s no sugar and sometimes no caffeine, but there’s still that carbonation. Nowadays, I’ll actually bring my Nalgene bottle with the fancy Guyot drinkin’ lid to work, as I always have, but it comes home just as dry as when I left in the morning.

 

So, in recognition of my problem, I have decided that today is my “last” day to consume carbonated, sweetened beverages. I put that word in quotes because I will be taking this one day at a time – just like many serious addiction recovery programs – and I know that there’s a real chance that I will fail. I’ll be putting a running counter here on Dinglemunch that I will hopefully remember to update every day (unlike The Last 5 – what happened to that thing, anyway?), so that I can be held accountable to you, the seventy million people who read this blog daily.

 

(Incidentally, because this is my “last hurrah” of soda, I decided that today was the day I’d try Mexican Coke. This is regular Coca-Cola that’s bottled in Mexico, in high demand with some consumers because it’s formulated with real sugar and not high-fructose corn syrup. There’s definitely a difference. Nicole and I had lunch at Mucho Mexico today, and sure enough, they sold the real Real Thing.)

 

(p.s. Since I’m doing this by e-mail, I can’t guarantee that the links will work. I’l try them out and fix any wrong ones later.)

(forgot the monkey)

 

Somehow, I manage to find a way through to annoy you during the day

Here’s a poorly-drawn MS Paint monkey for you.

 

In case you haven’t been watching today, I have been posting some test posts via email. I don’t have Internet access here at work, so I can’t post the normal way (this is why my posts have been more sparse this year, I’ll admit it), but so many times I have good blog ideas while I am sitting here at my desk that I forget by the time I get home. So I have been trying to see how Blogger handles things like Italic and bold text, hyperlinks, attached images, etc. I also tried to post from my phone again, but it adds all of that unnecessary junk at the end that screws up the columns. So I still won’t be posting from there, much as I’d like to.

 

I got a little worried a little while ago, because I forgot to delete the automatic signature from one of the emails, and it accidentally let some private information slip through. Hope any newsreaders didn’t save those posts. I guess if my phone rings and there’s heavy breathing on the line, I’ll know why. (It’s the monkey.)