Offering a silver of hope

If any of your silverware was damaged over the holidays, I just want you to know that there's hope:

American Fork Hospital

Is this a good sign?

There's a job that opened up here where I work, and I applied for it. (I'm a temp right now; this is an opening for a permanent job.) My interview just finished a few minutes ago, and I think I did pretty well.

The last question asked of me was, "Why should I hire you?"

My answer: "Because I'm awesome."

So you're saying He came to Earth from a spacecraft?

Here's something to laugh at while I am away from the blog this weekend. (Well, you could laugh at me, but it'd be behind my back, and isn't that rude?)

2004 Cavalcade of Bad Nativities

From the front page, here's an example:

Clearly, Jesus must be of alien origin. Clearly.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Power brown-outs, part 2

This is an update on this post, where I ranted a little bit about my attention-grabbing neighbors and their extremely well-lit house. When I wrote that, there was another household on that lot who hadn't yet turned on their lights for the season. Here's a couple of updated photos:

The houses, in the daytime...

...and lit up at night.

I wonder if, when people ask them what they want for Christmas, they reply, "Does the power company sell gift certificates?"

What's next - Pepsi Chips?

Well, I'm feeling a lot better than yesterday. The nausea that hit me was eventually remedied by Pepto Bismol. However, I still don't think my stomach would be strong enough to handle this food product:

That's right, it's beef jerky in easy-to-crunch chip form. Because who likes all of that pesky chewing?

Just want to get something off out of my chest

Yes, that's right, I have a cold and then some. The thing is, this isn't following the Standard Procedure For Colds In Stan's Body, which is: Sore throat, then clogged sinuses, followed by sneezing, and finally dry coughing.

This is a different one: A few days ago I woke up with a slightly sore throat, but that could have been the result of snoring. I've been having the sniffles for a week or two, but not to the level of sinus clogging. I did sneeze a few times on Monday or Tuesday. The big thing has been the congestion and the coughing up of...fun stuff, in the last three days or so. I've also been having some atypical back pains.

I'm sorry if this post is boring.

I left work early yesterday (which I dislike doing) because I was miserable. I feel just as crappy today, but I still think I need to give myself a chance to get better, because I really dislike calling in sick. Why? Because no matter how crappy I might be feeling, I still think that the boss won't believe that I'm really sick. I'd rather show up in person so they can see my misery.

Put some pants on, Doug: Part 2

In reference to this post, where I wondered what the deal was with Pioneer Courthouse Square's Christmas tree, the one with all the missing branches, I now have a follow-up with more photographic evidence:

Here we see the same Douglas Fir tree as before, only its lower branches have been magically restored! Or were they?

Nope. They were bolted back on.

A little Christmas cheer for the kiddies

Nothing says secular Christmas tradition like having the children coming down and sitting on Santa's lap. Yep, it's Ol' Saint Nick, an unfamiliar, large, old man decked out in bright red and sporting a long white beard...who yells, "HO HO HO!" all the time. No way kids are scared of that, right?

Wrong.

Speaking of bathrooms...

It seems to me that if you are the manufacturer of luxury bathroom fixtures, it might be ill-advised to display them in two inches of standing water.

"Try the all-new Turdolux line of luxury commodes. They only leak sometimes!"

An experience beyond words, indeed.

Here's another thing you can ask my mom about

When I was a kid, it seemed like whenever we went to any public place, I just had to see what the restroom looked like. It's strange, and I feel really nervous and vulnerable admitting this, but it's true. I never really wondered if there was any kind of deep psychological reasoning behind this. But I doubt it, because the fascination stopped before my teenage years, and these days, I have no desire to spend time in a public restroom except when nature calls.

The reason I brought up this subject is that I just found* what could have been my excuse, if the Internet in its present form had existed 25 years ago. There's now a site that is devoted solely to rating restrooms all over the country. Now those people are wacky!

*The way I found it was, I did a Google search for Rimsky-Korsakoffe House, and this was the first site that came up. Rimsky's is famous for having a wacky bathroom.

But do you have any products that absorb spilled bacon grease?

Here's an interesting idea:

Say you want to start a company that makes industrial absorbants for oil spill cleanup. You've worked out the formulas, created the business plan, secured the capital, built a factory, hired your employees, and worked out the sales and distribution channels. What's left? Creating a corporate image. You hire a design firm, run focus groups and ultimately decide what your brand will be.

Naturally, you'll choose a porcine theme, with a large cartoon pig as a mascot and a facility located on Pork Avenue. Because that idea isn't completely wacko. Well, think again, Porky, that idea's taken.

(From the website: "We're fun, crazy, and literally insane about our marketing, but when it comes to the quality and performance of our products, we're totally serious.")

Goodbye (sort of), Joel and Steve

I just heard from Eddie Bowley, my English cartoonist friend who has graciously hosted Joel and Steve for free for the last three years. He informed me that by the end of the week, all of his stuff will be migrating to a new server, but he isn't able to back my files up in the process. And seeing as how I've maybe added 10 (?) comics to the site in the last year - zero since June - he wondered if I didn't mind if he dropped J&S from the Bollox Comics site.

I certainly don't mind.

I have had the idea of moving everything over to a Blogger site, so people could still read the 250+ episodes of the story, but I really don't have the time to upload them all. The site is http://joelandsteve.blogspot.com. So I'll put it out there: Does anyone want to help me complete this task? I will send you a Blogger invite, and you can just follow the pattern of the first couple of comics to fill in the rest. It would be as simple as saving the image files locally, then uploading them to Blogger. And I'd e-mail or file-share the rest if the task is unfinished before the site goes down.

As for the Movie Grabs, or Steve's B'Stuff, or any of the other random crap I have up there, I don't know what I'll do. Maybe move them over to blogs of their own?

Last Saturday's walk around Oregon City

On Saturday, my roommate Adam and I decided to go have a late breakfast - and by late, I'm talking 12:30. Biscuits Cafe in Oregon City is good place for that sort of thing, so we went. And I ate until I was stuffed. (So much for 185.) After eating, I showed Adam where in town I lived for 3-4 years, and then we drove over to the bluff.

The bluff is a little area on the south side of Oregon City that has a pretty good view of downtown O.C. and points north. In the distance one can see the cluster of the tallest buildings in downtown Portland. When I was in high school, I remember the bluff as a place for couples to go make out, but only theoretically because they had to share bluff space with stereoheads trying to outblast each other with their giant car audio systems. It was also a cool place to go if you wanted to just look out over the city (which is basically what I would do there, because of a lack of girlfriend and/or car stereo system).

There's an old road that leads from the bluff down to the Oregon City Armory at the bottom of the hill. Rockslides and lack of maintenance forced the road closed, though, and now its just a nice place to walk. I just discovered that the area is called Waterboard Park. Adam and I took a stroll down the road, which is sheltered by tall trees and bordered by piles of green-covered rocks.

It was a good walk. Beyond the Armory, we walked around the neighborhood streets a little bit, then circled back toward another couple of steep uphill paths leading back to the bluff. Those hills sent me a message: Time to get out walking more!

Another incredible commercial

God always surprises me. He likes to show me examples of His creativity in places that nobody but He intended for His glory. I don't imagine that when a film crew recently filmed a commercial in San Francisco to sell Sony TVs, that their motivation was to display God's awesome brilliance in inventing the colors of the visible spectrum, not to mention the chaos of downhill physics; but let me tell you, that's exactly how I saw it.

I won't set up the premise at all; I'll let you see it for yourself. (QuickTime required.)

Colour like.no.other

The movie file itself (right-click to save, 54.4 MB)

I'll definitely need a visual aid for this one

Here's a partial list of juggling routines performed by David Cain - Juggler for Jesus:

• Beanbags and bouncy balls are juggled to illustrate how the Resurrection makes Jesus very different from every other religious leader throughout history. (Acts 2:31; 1 Cor. 15:14)
• A routine using five clubs is presented to discuss the fact that Jesus demonstrated His love for us by dying on the cross in our place. (Rom. 5:8)
• A Chinese Rhythm stick is used to tell the story of Paul the apostle. (Acts 9:1-31)
• A giant Chinese yo-yo is used to discuss the miracles and ministry of Jesus. (Acts 2:22-24)
• The story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead is shared using juggling clubs. (John 11)
• A bowling ball, ping pong ball, and tennis ball are juggled to share a message about the importance of knowing Jesus as your Lord and Savior. (Eph.2:8-9)

And my personal favorite...

• A running hedge trimmer, a sword, and a set rat trap are juggled to discuss the fact that we were created to know God through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. (John 3:36)

Okay, so I'm making a little fun here. But honestly, if this guy came to do his presentation, I'd probably want to go see him perform. A long time ago, I used to want to be a juggler...just ask my mom about how I'd always be throwing and twirling things. (Including lawn darts.)

Please come visit my Avalon Hideaway With Bungalow Face

The idea behind the spam trapper was that those comment spam bots only seemed to dump their poop on the most recent blog post; thus, if the trapper is the most "recent", or has the latest date, it should act as the spam trap. Unfortunately, it seems that they've gotten wise, and are now sprinkling their garbage all over my older posts. One post from March attracted more than 30 spam comments. So now I have to go through and clean them out of there.

Two spams of note (links removed), which I put here because they were funny or extra sneaky:

At 4:34 AM, Water & Fire said...

I have been visiting sites all day and I really like what you have done with your blog. I found your site just after I visited Avalon Hideaway With Bungalow Face Pocatello. Kind a lame if you ask me. Who cares.. I'm here now! Have a good one!

Yes, I can't wait to experience the latest trend in skin care: Bungalow Face.

At 7:12 PM, Anonymous said...

nice blog enjoyed it :)

Keep up the excellent work! and i bookmarked u!

so cant wait for ur next post! :)

Thanks!!

Now, the name wasn't linked to a profile page, and none of the words or phrases had links either. So you might ask yourself, how do you know it's spam? Because they hid the links in the exclamation points.

I don't want to have to turn word verification on, but if I see more spam after cleaning this batch out, I'll have to. Sorry, kids.

After considering a cartoon of Jesus on a unicycle, the publishers settled on a more understated cover

I was checking around on the Net to see if there's anywhere that sells inexpensive copies of the New American Standard Bible, and I ran across Amazon's Bible section. I did a search for "NASB", and though one of the results was much more expensive than my budget, I clicked on it anyway. I was quite amused to see the thumbnail image of this particular edition's cover:

Never was the name "Frogger" more appropriate

Man goes wrong way on highway for 11 miles

Mon Dec 12,12:26 PM ET

STRASBOURG, France (Reuters) - A Frenchman drove up a motorway in the wrong direction for 11 miles, crashing into five other vehicles and killing one person and injuring three others including two children, police said.

The 66-year-old man continued driving after his first two collisions Sunday in the hope of finding an exit off the A35 in eastern France, a police spokesman in the city of Strasbourg said.

No one was injured in the first collision with two vehicles, but one person was seriously hurt in a second accident with two other vehicles.

The retired motorist, driving with his wife, only came to a halt when he collided head-on with another car, killing an adult and seriously injuring two children aboard. Police said the victims were among a family of immigrants from the former Soviet Union.

Police said alcohol tests on the driver proved negative and he could not explain why he had turned the wrong way onto the motorway. He was in shock but he and his wife were otherwise unhurt.

And I would know, as I've memorized the entire Internet

Jim posted this gem of a story last Wednesday, and it just gets more and more hilarious every time I read it. The story, about a hygenic shoplifter, is so absurd, that the more I try to picture the scene, the harder I laugh about it. Not only that, but the fact that Jim has done some personal research related to this crime just makes it all the funnier.

I can say that this is one of the funniest things ever found on the Web. Thanks, Jim!

Yes, it's a free plug for iTunes

I just have to say that I have been loving iTunes. I downloaded it a couple of weeks ago, and have been using it to rip down my entire CD collection. While I'm doing that (from two DVD-ROMs, no less), I am downloading and listening to sermon podcasts. And here's the thing I most appreciate: 99% of the time, when I load a CD, iTunes actually has the correct album information - the track names are spelled correctly, compilations are properly identified, etc. You have no idea how annoying it is to have to manually change every bit of information because some second-rate online CD cataloguing site got it wrong.

I also like that you can share your music across your local network, to as many as five (I think it's five) other computers. If I can just get my roommate to download iTunes, I can share every song in my collection with him.

I haven't even scratched the surface with the video features yet. I can't wait to start downloading episodes of old TV shows ("Knight Rider," "MacGyver," "Quantum Leap,", "The Simpsons," "Futurama," etc.), if and when they become available.

Now all I need is an iPod, and I'll be ready to go. I'd really like the top-of-the-line, 60GB Video iPod, but I can't justify spending $399 on it right now. Anyone want to buy me one for Christmas? In black?

"A Win-Win Situation"

Last week, a beloved pastor by the name of Bob Cryder passed away. Though I didn't know him, I had the opportunity to hear him preach several times, each time moved beyond words at the man's ability to reflect the love of God and speak His words into my soul.

Rev. Cryder was a very charismatic man who could make you feel like you were good friends and buddies for years. Very well-spoken, and very easy-going. You can read the obituary article for a good history of his life.

Interviewed by the Sacramento Bee (by e-mail) a couple of weeks ago, Rev. Cryder had this to say about the mantle cell lymphoma which ultimately claimed his life:

"...I know that God has allowed cancer into my life, so many great strides are being made with cancer today, and I'm in a win-win situation, no matter what. If I get to stay here with family, friends and Arcade Church, I win, and if I go home to heaven with God, I win also."

The Sacramento Bee Obituary

A little housekeeping

Just drawing your attention to the slight template changes of the blog. Now you can see who commented on any post without having to expand it with show/hide. I found out how to do it here, but I had to tweak the code a bit to work with this template.

I also added a link to The Wizard of Id, which I should have done a long time ago. This comic makes me laugh a high percentage of the time, which is especially amazing given how long it's been around. Unfortunately, the Comics.com site will probably give you a pop-up ad when you click there; I wish there was a way I could prevent it.

Priorities

As best as I can tell, I haven't been using this blog for the glory and honor of God. Somewhere along the way, maybe from the beginning, my priorities were not set correctly; I've chosen entertainment and humor over more worthwhile messages.

I don't know what this means yet. I'm not going away, I'm not removing anything; I don't see any changes in my style just yet. I may have to start a separate blog (and yes, Jim, further crash the Internet). I just don't know.

What I need to do for now is to make sure that whatever I write here is in line with the principles of my faith: respecting others, not tearing anyone down (except myself), never putting up questionable or offensive material. This includes my attempts to make you smile or laugh (both of which are definitely good to do).

If this post makes no sense or seems to contradict itself, it's because I'm pretty much writing this on the fly. Do you know how hard it is to get a fly to stand still?

Stay tuned.

Everything I touched turned to gold vanilla

I was walking around the mall last night with a friend, and we went into one of those Bath Oil and Lotion shops so she could buy something. This place was like a foreign world to me, all of the creams, balms, peels, lotions, treatments, etc. I had no idea that half of this stuff existed.

So there was this tester bottle of a hand lotion that smelled like vanilla and something else I forgot (more vanilla?), and I tried it out, naturally putting on way too much and having to wipe the excess onto my pant legs. This was an affirmation of my masculinity: I don't think girls are generally allowed to wipe lotion onto their pant legs, at least not in public. Well this stuff smelled pretty good, a little bit foofoo, but it didn't matter since I was just going home after the mall. Well, apparently this lotion is industrial strength, because even after:

• a night of sleep
  
• a shower this morning (handling more than one type of cleaning substance)
  
• an application of a different type of lotion (which is actually Vaseline in cream form; yes, I have very dry hands)

I can still smell the vanilla lotion, and it's pretty strong. Maybe I need a micro dermabrasion, or whatever it's called.

High-pitched death knells, conclusion

As a follow-up to this post...

Yesterday afternoon I was sitting here at my desk, when I heard, from 75 feet away in the breakroom, the three microwave "finish" beeps. Then I heard them again. And again. In all, seven groups of three beeps.

Clearly, whoever was afraid of them has faced their fear. Good for you, beepophobe!

Taped to the walls of school cafeterias everywhere

Today's "Wizard of Id":

Click image to enlarge

I don't know why the funniest comics are about bad food. Maybe bad food humor is universal.

I was going to make up a title about "Slaves obey[ing] your masters," but thought better of it

I bought my home computer about a year ago, and I made the poor decision of purchasing a remanufactured model rather than paying the extra $60 for a new one. Furthermore, when I started to realize that it was having problems, my procrastination problem kept me from returning it to Fry's within the warranty period. So I was left high and dry.

One of the biggest problems that I had was that the DVD burner never worked. It could read discs, but the computer wouldn't recognize it as a burner. Thus, when I wanted to burn mix CDs for my friends and family last Christmas, I had to plug in the old, slow computer from 1999 and burn CDs with that.

A couple of months ago, it hit me that the solution might be the simplest of all. There's a switch on the back of the burner that determines whether it's the Master unit or the Slave. (Why, I am not sure...I'm not that technical.) When installing the CD burner on the old compy, I remembered that the CD-ROM needed to be set to Master, and the burner to Slave. So I thought that perhaps the burner on the new computer was mistakenly set to Master. I opened the box and took a look - and I was right. So I switched it to Slave, hoping that it would solve the problem.

It didn't.

Now the computer didn't even recognize the drive at all, even for reading discs. And the DVD-ROM drive beneath it was starting to lag and act funny, to the point where I thought it was broken, too. I was just ready to take the darned thing down to Fry's to have them fix it (and I still might, for the other problems it has), when I realized that both drives were set to Slave.

I opened up the box again last night, set the DVD-ROM drive to Master, made sure the burner was set to Slave, and closed it back up again. I turned the computer on, and opened up iTunes (my new favorite player). Tested the DVD-ROM...worked perfectly. The computer recognized the burner and gave it back its drive letter. I dropped a blank disc into it and burned a few audio tracks. Success!

So now I can get back to the business of mixing some new CDs. I'm pretty darned excited about that! And yes, if you give me your mailing address, I'll try to send you a copy. (As long as you don't mind 18 variations of "Rock Me Amadeus".)

Ten things that take me back: December

An orange and a nickel from Grandma*
Sweet Mart
The smell of Eraser Mate ink
Buck Rogers and Congo Bongo games for the C64
That big multi-colored pillow in the family room
Cub Scout meetings at St. Aiden's
The plane crash within a mile of my house
National Geographics in the living room bookcase
Dad's blue, cardboard coin-collector books
Collecting newspapers every Saturday


*Every year, Grandma Kost would give everyone in the family an orange with a nickel taped to it. I never understood the tradition (or remembered the meaning behind it, if it was indeed explained); but, even though I was a typical toy-craving materialistic kid, I always loved and appreciated the simple gift Grandma gave us.

title="(your awesome words)"

I decided it'd be fun to add quotes from each of the blogs I have in the Blogs I Read list. I've only done a few so far; I'll get them all fitted with quotes soon, and I'll periodically update them when I find a new line I like. (The blogs without quotes just uncreatively show the name of that blog.)

Hover over the name of the blogs to see what I quoted!

Also: Speaking of quotes, I updated the quote at the bottom of the page.

Best personal capsule review of a movie, ever

High Fidelity

It's like I paid John Cusack some money so he could be unhappy about things for me. It's an optimal arrangement, really. He does all my unhappy-ing for me while I get my important work done. Win freakin' win, baby.

Found on The Everyday Life of Phineas Q. Mongoose, on his December 29, 2004 post

Oops

For the office supply junkie and World of Warcraft player in your life, here's the perfect gift that apparently appeals to both interests.

Click to enlarge

Power brown-outs: the gift that keeps on giving

Every Christmas season, the neighbors across the street become Clark Griswold when it comes to putting up Christmas lights. I think that the large house, which is up the hill a ways, is probably visible from a distance, which draws people in to look at it; our street is not a main thoroughfare by any stretch of the imagination, so all of the people who clog the street must be visitors from other neighborhoods.

This is what it looks like from the end of the long driveway. Because of the large buffer, visitors who want to take a closer look have to idle on the street, which sometimes causes traffic problems and certainly more noise than usual - right in front of my house - none of which burdens my neighbors at all. They get the sweet end of the deal, people from afar feeding their narcissism; while we, in the humble house across the street, get all of the nuisance, thank you very much.